Losing Hope
by AlexisRose84
Summary: A season 6 look into Anna's miscarriages. One shot.


**Losing Hope**

_Summary: A season 6 look into Anna's miscarriages. One shot. _

_I never liked how they handled this on the show, especially with John not knowing until after the 3__rd__ one. After all the two of them had been through, you would think there would be no more secrets between them. The timeline is a little off, but to be fair it's off on the show. April 1925 is when she lost baby 3 and that New Year she had the baby, unless the dates I saw on the website I looked up are wrong-which is possible. Enjoy! _

**January 1925**

Anna's fingers gently caress over the new calendar they put up on the wall after the strike of the New Year. An excited gasp passes through her lips. She hadn't been paying attention to the dates with all of the mess with the murder of Mr. Green. But there it was right in front of her, she was late. A small smile spread across her lips. _Could she_? She asked herself. After everything the two of them had been through, could the two of them finally be having a baby?

Her lips tightened as she wondered if it was a good time. Neither she nor Mr. Bates were off the hook just yet. But a baby…. Her anxiousness of it all slipped away, and the smile found its way back to her lips. She wanted to tell John, but decided against it. It was too early. If she was pregnant, it would only be a few weeks. She needed to wait a while longer to know for sure.

Anna touched the calendar one more time to make sure her eyes weren't deceiving her and then got back to getting ready for the day.

-X-X-X-X-

"You're in a good mood," John whispered in her ear at breakfast. Anna looked to him and smiled.

"I am," she agreed. Anna felt somewhat guilty for not telling him then and there, but she knew he would know soon enough.

The rest of breakfast went by quickly and soon the bell for Lady's Mary room rang. Anna quickly got up and placed a kiss on John's cheek. She noticed he blushed. They weren't usually ones for kissing in front of the others, but Anna didn't care today. Her spirits couldn't be crushed.

"I'll see you at lunch," Anna asked, her hand sitting on John's shoulder. John reached up and took her hand in his. He searched her eyes to try to see what had put her in such a great mood and smiled back to her.

"Yes, see you then, my darling."

Anna went along her way upstairs to tend to Lady Mary. She felt almost childish, as she wanted to skip on her way up the stairs. The two of them had been wanting a baby for so long. Life had continued to interrupt their plans, but now it was actually happening.

When she reached Lady Mary's room, Anna hummed while finishing up the touches to Mary's hair and helping her with her necklace. She could see Mary's eyes watching her curiously, but it seemed Mary decided not to ask what was making her so happy. Anna was glad; she was afraid she would burst with excitement and not be able to keep the news from her.

"Will that be all m'lady," Anna questioned.

"Yes, thank you, Anna."

With a near skip of her heels, Anna was out of Mary's bedroom and back downstairs. She had plenty of things to keep her busy until lunchtime. Part of her wanted to let John know right now. The excitement was all too much. She sighed; she needed to wait. He was busy with Lord Grantham anyway.

Anna walked into the washroom and sat down on the toilet. It was then she noticed the small drops of blood leaking into the porcelain. Her smile immediately faded and stomach dropped.

"No," she murmured to herself. She felt tears prickling behind her eyes, as she shook her head. Perhaps she had been wrong. She was only a couple of weeks late, but…. Her thoughts faded and she swallowed hard.

Anna felt frozen. Her eyes stayed focused on the blood that was growing more and more below her. She felt her breath hitch in her throat, before a sharp pain went through her back. She noticed it was stronger than she was used to. The discomfort made her gasp and she closed her eyes while it passed.

While the pain appeared worse than ever before, she began to wonder if she was miscarrying or if she had just been late and she was imagining that it was worse. But the pain continued to come and go for the better part of an hour. It was different. Part of her wished she hadn't noticed the calendar that morning, maybe then she would be ignorant of what was likely happening to her now.

Tears pressed against her eyelids and she allowed them to escape. A few sobs shook her body and she covered her lips to keep from someone hearing as they walk through the halls.

-X-X-X-X-

"You're late," John said, standing as his wife walked into the Servant's Hall for lunch. When John saw Anna's face, his face fell. She no longer looked like the joyful wife he had this morning. Instead, her face was downtrodden and pale. "Anna?" He asked concerned. Everyone turned to look at Anna. Anna forced a smile.

"I got behind on a few things," she weakly answered. That seemed to appease the rest of them, as they got back to eating their food. Anna took her seat next to John and kept her eyes on her plate.

"Anna," John's questioned in worry again. "Darling."

"I'm fine," she meekly stated. "Just busy is all."

John didn't believe her, but knew now was not the time to push her for answers. He watched her worriedly through lunch and noticed how she barely touched any of her food. Just a few hours before, Anna had finished off her plate of food and had been bouncing with happiness. Something had definitely happened to change her mood.

-X-X-X-X-

John woke up in the middle of the night to Anna's sobs. For the rest of day, Anna had been distant with him. He had tried to get her to speak with him, as well as respecting her space. But now his wife was sobbing right next to him. She was curled up in a ball and her hands were covering her mouth to try to stifle the sounds. John gently placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Anna, my darling, what's wrong? Please tell me." Anna turned to face him and began to sob even louder. John pulled her into his chest and let her cry. "Please," he asked again. "Let me carry some of this burden for you."

Anna sat back some and met his eyes. "I….I thought I was pregnant, but I'm not…at least not anymore," another sob escaped her lips. "I'm so sorry…"

"Why didn't you tell me?" The words came out more accusatory than John meant them.

"I didn't want to get you excited before I was sure," she told him honestly. John sighed.

"Anna, you and I have been through so much. You have me to lean on or tell your excitement to me. It is not your job to protect me."

Anna slowly nodded, "Okay," she whispered. "I only realized today. I just….I was so happy," she cried. John pulled her back into his arms and murmured in her hair.

"Shh," he told her. "We'll get through this. Just let it out, love. Just let it out."

**February 1925**

"John," Anna called for her husband from the kitchen.

"Yes," he called back. She could hear him fumbling through the drawers upstairs. Anna decided to get started on some breakfast for the two of them. They didn't have work today and a leisurely day around the house sounded amazing.

"Did you call for me?" John asked, seeing Anna putting food on the table.

"Yes," Anna said with a small smile. "I'm a week late." It took him a moment, but soon John knew what she was saying and gave her a bright smile.

"Oh, Anna…"

"Now don't get too excited, Mr. Bates. It's too early to know for sure. Plus, we don't know if…" her voice trailed off. She turned away from him and focused all of her attention to making tea. Anna could hear John's cane hit the ground with his steps coming closer to her. His arms wrapped around her and he pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"It's okay to be scared, love," he told her. "I am too, a little bit."

"I've been thinking about names," Anna said, leaning into his body. She rested her head against his chest and breathed deeply.

"Names?"

"For a baby, when we have one," Anna stated, standing up and moving the pot when it screamed. She turned to John and gave him a smile.

"Well, what names are you thinking?" John said, as if impatient with a laugh.

"I was thinking Madeline for a girl and John, Jr. for a boy, but we could call him Jack," Anna replied.

"Madeline and Jack, eh?" Anna nodded. "Good solid names," John told her with a kiss.

"Would you rather it be a boy or a girl?" Anna questioned John. The two of them sat down for breakfast. John twisted his lips and shook his head.

"I don't have a preference. Although, I do worry I will spoil a little girl who looks just like you. She would likely get away with anything and get everything her heart desired," John joked. Anna chucked.

"You're probably right, Mr. Bates."

-X-X-X-X-

A week passed and Anna had begun to feel sick. The sickness made Anna so incredibly happy. She hadn't been sick the time before. Surely this time everything was going to be okay. Her hands rubbed her belly, as she and John walked to work that morning. She had to pause once to get sick in a bush along their path.

"Are you sure you should be working?" John questioned her lovingly. "Maybe some rest would do you some good."

"I'm fine, Mr. Bates," Anna said strongly. "I always feel better as the day goes on."

"If you are sure…"

"I am."

And she was. Another several days passed and her anxiousness began to fade more and more. She was sure the two of them would have their sweet bundle in several months. The two of them had begun to talk more about names and a nursery for the little one. Anna couldn't describe how wonderful their time together had grown. They had always been happy, but now it was more. Now she was sure the two of them would never be sad again.

-X-X-X-X-

She had been wrong, of course, she thought. She shook as the horrible cramps tore through her body. She was thankful she was home this time when it started. It was the end of the day and they hadn't started until she climbed into bed that night.

"Can I get you something?" John questioned his wife, who was laying on the bed turned away from him.

"No," she cried. John climbed into the bed next to her and wrapped his arms around her shaking frame. "I'm sorry," she cried harder. "I've let you down. I…."

"Shh," he soothed into her ear. "You will never let me down. I know this is hard, my love. But I am here with you."

"I'm so scared that this is all I can give you, give us….I want a baby so badly, John. My body hurts because I want it so much…"

"I know," John replied, because he really did. Even though he wasn't going through the physical toll his wife was, he was going through the emotional one with her. He also worried for their future, but right now he needed to focus on his wife.

**April 2****nd****, 1925**

It was happening yet again, Anna thought depressingly. She had awoken with a scream when she realized her sheets were stained with blood. This time she had been sure it had stuck. It had been nearly a month late. The sickness had been worse this time. She had begun to feel changes in her body. She had been so sure.

"Anna," John said in fear, when he saw the blood on the sheets. Anna was becoming frantic. Her head shook and tears spilled down her cheeks. She pushed the sheets off her legs and pushed them away with her feet before standing and letting out a small sigh of frustration. Soon her breaths got shorter and John realized she was panicking.

"Anna, calm down," he coached her. "Don't get yourself sick."

"It's over," Anna cried. "Don't you understand? I….I can't have children…" her face crumbled and she collapsed onto the floor into a ball. She pushed herself up against the wall and continued to cry. Her heart was broken and John wasn't sure he would ever be able to repair it.

John carefully sat himself on the floor and covered his wife in his arms. He didn't know what to say anymore. She was broken. He didn't know how to help her.

"I love you," he finally settled on. "I will always love you, no matter what," he promised.

"I…." she couldn't finish, her body just shook as she continued to cry in his arms.

-X-X-X-X-

Anna had taken the last week off of work. Her body and mind were too unsettled to do anything. When she had returned, she had confessed to Lady Mary about why she had been out for so long. Later that day, Mary had called her back up to her room with an idea.

Anna tried not to get too excited about what Mary had proposed. She wanted to take Anna to a specialist to see if there was anything that they could find wrong with her. Anna was pretty unsure that they would figure anything out, but she agreed.

That night she told John what Mary had said.

"Well, that's something," John told his wife with a smile. Anna just shrugged her shoulders and glanced out of the window. He sighed. He was not sure he would ever see his wife happy again.

"I don't want you getting your hopes up," she said into the air. John took her hand, which made her turn to him. He then saw her eyes were full of tears.

"Don't worry about me," he stated strongly. "Are you up for it?" He questioned her. "If you aren't ready, I'm sure Lady Mary…."

"She'd never let me step out of it. She's pretty stubborn," Anna added with a weak smile.

-X-X-X-X-

Anna couldn't believe it. There was a chance. She really could possibly have a baby one day. She searched all around downstairs to find her husband when she got back from London. When she found him, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"It's possible," she said with a smile. "It could actually happen! We could have a baby."

**New Year's Day 1926**

"Happy New Year, Jack," Anna murmured to her three hour old newborn. The little boy was sleeping deeply in his mother's arms. She ran his finger along his jawline and smiled.

"You did well," John said, taking a seat next to her on the bed. "He looks like you."

"I don't know about that," Anna said, while leaning into her husband's arms. "I can't believe he is here. There was a time I doubted this would ever happen."

"I know; me too, but here he is." Anna happily sighed. "When do you think he'll have his little sister, Madeline?" Anna sat up and shook her head at her husband's joke.

"I think just one little Bates is all we need for now" she told him.

"Yes," John agreed. "And he's absolutely perfect."


End file.
